Below is the letter I sent my mother via text to let her know I would no longer be wearing a hijab. I thought that by initiating the heavy conversation, I would be able to open up to my parents about many challenges I had and was internally facing but instead it creating a several month (and ongoing) battle between us all.
I love you very much. I have gone great lengths to protect you from things that may cause you pain, even if it was at the expense of my well-being. Though you are not and will never be perfect, I know you acted and carried yourself in a way that always put my best interests first. I know you have made sacrifices for me that I could never fathom nor could ever commit to. You have not failed as a parent, and you have gone beyond your responsibilities multiple times over.
I say all of this knowing that you will experience great pain and guilt at my actions and decisions, but I hope over time you will recognize I am not an extension or product of you. Rather, you tried your best to guide me in a way you knew best and provided me with all the tools I needed to be successful in the way that you define success.
This should come as no surprise I hope, as I have been hinting for months now- I have made the active choice not to cover my hair anymore. It is something I have thought about for years and I decided it was time to be true to myself and the world; I could not bear the mental burden that hypocrisy comes with.
My choice was not influenced by my friends, I actually had not discussed this with anyone. It was not influenced by a feeling of inferiority in this society, I’m a very confident and secure person. Lastly, it is not due to the Muslim community or conflicts I may have with it. Rather, it is due to my own beliefs, independent of others.
This is not a decision you can change or influence. I know what the implication of my choice are in Islam. I know it will be hard on you emotionally and it will affect your reputation; I have waited so long to tell you this news because I was hoping I could find a way to mitigate the effects but I have not found anything useful. I am so sorry that you will go through this. However, I will not tolerate any guilt tripping or threats. I must and will live my own life, I will accept the consequences and results of my actions. I wanted to do this over text to give you time to cope and respond at your own capacity and freedom.
I hope you will still love me and perceive me as a good person but I acknowledge this may not be our reality going forward. It does pain me but I will respect your decision. I’ll always love you.
I look at my community and I am surrounding by people whose external representations don’t match their internal representations. To me that is a hypocrite; I struggle to see myself as a hypocrite. I strive to be authentic. With time, my worldview will continue to evolve. Based on what I’ve experienced thus far, this is what makes me feel most authentic.
I’ve spent years telling myself to fake it and see if my feelings change, but that hasn’t occurred. No matter what perspectives and people I have met, my feelings have remained unchanged.